Say “NO” without guilt!

My inner voice would scream ‘NO’ but my automatic response would be a ‘YES.’

This underlying urge to please others when I sacrifice myself and feel a victim started during my formative years. My inability to establish a balanced approach to internal and external validation governed my ‘people-pleasing’ personality.

As a child and into early adulthood, when I was kind and submissive to everyone’s needs, I used to think they were normal values practiced to be a good human being. So, saying YES to everyone and putting their needs before mine was second nature to me. I would bend backwards beyond what any normal person would do, also based on what I would assume they want or need.

I wasn’t assertive enough to define my boundaries, did not want to displease them or hurt their feelings, cared too much about what other people would think of me, scared of being rejected, uncomfortable with arguments, avoided conflicts and would not want to rock the boat.

I would go out of my way to make sure everyone around me is happy. It wasn’t before long that I realized I wasn’t able to say NO and was always saying YES without thinking. If I were to say NO or express my feelings and opinions, it was considered brazen behaviour and I was made to feel guilty. I felt trapped in this vicious cycle, leaving me drained, angry, unhappy, and frustrated.

When I asked myself if it was okay and normal to feel this way, my immediate response was ‘NO.’ The more I delved into this, the more I would resent the people I was trying to please. The only way I knew how to deal with this was to withdraw and ended manifesting passive-aggression.

There’s a people-pleaser in all of us. Some of us are assertive and able to define boundaries. For the others their boundaries are blurred and not able to see the fine line between being kind and unconsciously going beyond what is required.

Certain endearing traits that come with being a people-pleaser make us an easy target. Wanting everyone to be happy, avoiding conflict, good at minimizing friction, would go that extra mile, sociable, adaptable, and helpful are traits that naturally draw people to us. It took a while for me to judge people’s intent and to recognize their manipulation tactics. People don’t mean to take advantage but few will test the waters and if you let them, will cross boundaries.

Strangely enough, I could develop and maintain healthy boundaries in the workplace. I navigated between the two personas; one at work and the other outside of work. I acted out these characters and displayed traits dependent on the expectations and challenges in a given situation and environment.

With age and experience, I had a clearer understanding that kindness and being helpful don’t require any self-sacrifice. Developing boundaries and knowing when to say NO and when to say YES was the first step.

I would rehearse the way I would say NO without having to offend others and would gather my thoughts before I uttered NO. I kept a close watch on my emotional radar to make sure I respond fittingly versus suffering in silence.

With this dramatic shift in my response and attitude, I learned how to politely use the word NO and not come across as being impolite. This empowered me. People close to me were accepting of this change but few others were persistent in their badger.

I continue to be kind and helpful within my boundaries. It is possible to be polite and unapologetic at the same time. I now choose to respond appropriately and take pride in my own convictions.

I’m done being a ‘people-pleaser’ and when I say NO it’s a DEFINITE NO!

Do you often say YES when you wanted to say NO?